Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter