Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”