Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.