I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
oh you like architecture? name three walls
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!