I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Extremely relatable.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.