calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
dads on road-trips be like
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
mariah carrie
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.