Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you鈥檝e taken of them sleeping..
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I used my husband鈥檚 shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they鈥檙e so shady
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i鈥檓 calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I鈥檓 still waiting.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
the only reason i鈥檓 gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.