WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.