All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]