[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect