What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.