Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
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I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
*jazz hands*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”