When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.