true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic