*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.