There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I bet birds love this building.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.