[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.