If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
this could fix me
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
A great tip. #CakeRex
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat