I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently