My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
the simulation is moving too fast
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]