Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
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Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”