Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol