Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
You Might Also Like
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”