I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
spicy snake
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.