My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
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The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
“Huge”.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.