‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
i baked you a cake
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
oh shit
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza