“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn