[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready