I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Here’s a meme
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim