My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Batman v Dracula
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.