nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
You Might Also Like
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
They did not miss in the small print
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Writing, She Murdered.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.