My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
😂😂😂
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.