A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings