*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.