2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
🚲+physics = winner
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!