MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I’m confused about plants
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.