wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip