*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
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Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*