People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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not to brag, but mine was free
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”