People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
$3 #books
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!