If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Morning my dudes.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate