i can’t wait that long
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Had to try this trend 😊
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.