you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
You Might Also Like
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I am yelling
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Made something I’m not proud of
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this