I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.