Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.