*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks