I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?