*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Well, this explains it:
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.