Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
my dad has had enough
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.