I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
LMAO.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Yep.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Unimpressed
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Give a baker flours on your first date.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”