My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden